


you can’t chase that high when the lights have faded

by boobiased



Category: Tiny Meat Gang (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Post Break Up, it's just projecting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-27
Updated: 2020-02-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:26:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22918432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boobiased/pseuds/boobiased
Summary: It's not cheating because they have broken up but mostly it's not cheating because Cody doesn't care and that's what hurts the most.
Relationships: Cody Ko/Noel Miller
Comments: 4
Kudos: 30





	you can’t chase that high when the lights have faded

**Author's Note:**

> it's literally just projecting... like the whole thing is just projecting.
> 
> some disclaimers:  
> 1\. english is not my first language  
> 2\. if you know me from twitter and you think that this sucks.. pretend that you don't know me, aight? what happens on ao3, stays on ao3  
> 3\. respect both cody and noel's real life relationships. this is just fiction and i'll take it down if necessary  
> 4\. shout out to my ex, this wouldn't exist without you. love you to death but i wish you never read this.
> 
> [if anyone cares. started writing: 17/02/2020. ended the whole thing: 27/02/2020 a little past 12PM (fuck the american date format. all my homies hate the american date format)]
> 
> have a good reading!

Noel feels empty. The friction this random guy is making grinding on him is great but he can’t ignore the feeling of a sweeping hollowness inside his chest. He didn't know what he was thinking when he decided to go to this strange club. 

Even though he did, it just put his mind to ease pretending not to.

He did all of this because he was stupid, so fucking stupid. At the time it felt like such a great idea, to get his mind off everything for a second, turn to his alcoholic tendencies for a bit, just to feel something again. But it never worked.

When he broke up with Cody he didn't think things would end up like this. They started as friends, he analyzed at the time, it wouldn't take such a toll on him if they went back to friends, be normal business partners and shit. 

The night they broke up they promised they wouldn't change how they treated each other, they were soulmates, after all.

”If you stop talking to me I'll kill you.” He remembers Cody saying between sobs that day. 

He was crying too.

”I won't, I promise.” He offered his pinky.

Looking back Noel was thankful he didn't swear on his mom, she would have been dead by now.

When he told his therapist he broke up with Cody he saw she lose her composure for the first time, she gasped right before starting firing a million questions regarding how he was dealing with that. He remembers her words vividly, at the time because how he found it funny but looking back she was right, she was right 90% of the time. 

“Well if you said you are ok then you’re ok, I trust your judgment. I just didn't expect it to happen, you didn't mention anything about it to me, he was a big part of your life, Noel” she smiled but he couldn’t help but to fell a bit annoyed at her anyway. 

“He still is, ” he corrected ”He still is a big part of my life, I still love him, just not romantically anymore.”

But breaking up is awkward, it'll always be. Noel missed so many good jokes now because he was apprehensive it would come off as flirting and he didn't want to trespass Cody’s space or send the wrong message. 

Slowly he stopped texting Cody at all, he didn't notice how flirtatious and clingy he was before. It started being normal seeing romantic memes and his fingers acting quicker than his brain, remembering they weren't together anymore the second his finger hovered over the ”send” button. 

Things were too good, maybe Noel was not humble enough to deserve all of that, it went to his head. He got used to it and that's the worst thing that can happen to a couple, when you get used to it you start to be less thankful. 

It feels so long ago since he couldn’t sleep and to keep anxiety away he would list every single thing he loved about Cody and when he got so overwhelmed with the feeling of love that his chest hurt he would go back to bed and kiss every part of Cody’s face, who would wake up giggling. 

“Why’s that? You want to fuck?”

“Gross. I just love you,” he playfully slapped him. “I love you” it came out a bit muffled as he repeated it between every single kiss. 

He misses that. He misses every single thing about Cody and their relationship. His misses the blonde hair that even when it went back to brown the moment the sunlight hit it just right it would look like he had golden locks again, how sometimes he smelled like beach and Noel would say ”Get your surfer ass out of here” just to mess with him, how he occasionally acted like a frat boy when they were flirting because it was obviously a bit of a turn on, how his accent slipped up sometimes, how he reminded Noel he was just a white boy every time he clapped when watching the sunset. All the little things made the pain worse.

He could easily find someone who fucked him just like Cody did, never someone who would make him cry when he remembered how much he loved them. He could find someone else who would touch him just right and who was not afraid to choke him just like he fancies, he would still feel a lump form on his throat every time he would pass by a British pub because of a dumb joke they made on the podcast saying they would marry in one.

And now everything feels so strange it’s hard to distinguish emotions. Noel can't tell if he won't ever love someone again or if he got used to associating liking someone with feeling his chest hurt from love and that was simply unfair with anyone who tried to flirt with him.

”Marriage is like the strangest thing ever, have you ever thought about it? I used to think it was so stupid.” Cody commented one day when they were at the beach waiting for the sunset.

The white things he did for this stupid white boy were unbelievable.

“You used to? You don’t think it’s stupid anymore?” Noel looked at him through his sunglasses, seeing his ears turn red.

“I still think it’s weird,” Cody said after clearing his throat. “But I wouldn’t, like, mind marrying you or some shit like that.”

Noel felt like gravity was not working on his body anymore for second as he grinned like an idiot. Gosh, he was probably doing the heart eyes thing too.

”Or some shit? Geez, thought you loved me more!” He felt Cody kicking his chinas soon as he said that.

”Oh my God! You're so annoying, Noel, did you know that? My brain must be fucked up to love you that much.”

”Now you throwing the L-word around like it's nothing?! Damn, what got to you?”

And like a tradition, they playfully fought like kids, hence why Noel ended eating some sand and they had a hard time that night trying to get all the sand out of Cody’s hair. 

Yet it was worth it because following that stupid fight Cody explained why Noel was the only person he ever considered marrying.

“It’s just that it seemed pointless. Why would I spent that much money making a big ass ceremony just to announce “Hey, I like this person, whatever, look at them!”. Maybe all the paper things would be useful one day, I don’t know. It just felt pointless.” Cody started rambling as they laid down looking at the sky. “But then... but then I meet you and now I want everyone to know that I love you and that you’re mine.”

And he didn’t know what to say. Because he knew what Cody meant, he knew what the “you’re mine” part meant and it was not possessive like it sounded but he wouldn’t know how to explain that to someone who had never felt what was going on inside his chest. Hell, he wouldn’t even know how to explain that feeling to himself, those emotions that washed over him were so real Noel thought no one else on the planet had ever felt that before, it was simply nameless. 

It was so much at once that he could write code, all nerd style, who would arrange the whole dictionary in different ways forever and it would never make a sentence good enough to describe what made his heart do whatever it did. 

That day he kissed Cody breathless and they missed the sunset but it was not that important.

Then slowly things began to change. Noel can't exactly pinpoint the moment he realized he didn't love Cody anymore, it just happened. When he told him “I love you” his chest hurt as he couldn’t say it back and he didn’t want to lie.

Even when things started to slowly fall apart it was not like he stopped loving Cody, it was just that when he was supposed to reply “I love you too” it should be more intense, it should be like if these were his last words he would be ok with that. 

Throughout their whole relationship, Noel always feared he didn’t love Cody enough, which sounded completely ridiculous when he thought about it again, he could feel like he was not enough but it would be a big lie to say he didn't love Cody as much as he could.

They were too intense, maybe that's why Noel can't casually like someone anymore. They made the word ”love” lose its meaning, they were so enamored they needed a new word, a more powerful one. They never reached an official conclusion as Cody was too white to choose something good while Noel was too bad with words and without noticing ”I want to marry you” became their new ”I really really really love you”.

People thought it was weird because if they wanted to marry each other so desperately why didn't they just do it?! They wouldn't know how to answer.

Noel believes they ended up breaking up because of the fame. Not like it went to their head but it gave them less time to be together, as in alone together. They were always with each other but also always with their manager or anyone that would be babysitting for the day and if they were together while talking business they had to be formal, soon enough the “office” problems started to be taken home too.

”I don't want to talk about it anymore, Noel, let's go to sleep and we can discuss it tomorrow, ok?” Cody tried to maintain his tone calm and passive.

”No, it’s fine, you can go to sleep, I want to stay up a little bit more.” He avoided looking at the eyes he knew would be glazed with tears from exhaustion, he couldn't deal with that at the moment.

”Oh, ” His tone was not aggressive anymore. ”Ok, if you need anything you can wake me up.”

He never hated himself more, he knew Cody was sad and it was because of him, he knew that the ”anything” meant ”If you feel like saying you love me” but he never went to bed that night as he sacrificed his back sleeping on the couch.

He also knew he needed to say he was sorry, he started the fight, he slept on the couch, he was acting distant but Cody was the one who apologized.

”I’m sorry, ” He said quietly and then repeated in a clearer tone. ”I’m sorry I was such a dick last night, I didn't mean to but I was a dick so sorry.”

Noel felt his throat get dry. Even trying to make coherent sentences hurt.

”Don’t apologize, you did nothing wrong.” It was all he managed to say.

He knew Cody was expecting something more ”I’m sorry too, I was a giant asshole. Let's kiss.” but he didn't do that, he went quiet and then their manager was back from the bathroom just like nothing happened.

His problem was that he always knew things and he ignored it. He should have learned how to deal with his emotions and how to make them into intelligible words. Gosh, even gestures would have been fine!

Every time he slept on the couch, every time he pretended that everything was ok, every time he lied. They meant something so there's no one he should blame besides himself.

Cody knew how he was, he knew how gestures were Noel’s words, so how could he feel he was being loved when he was solely pushed away? Always asking ”What’s wrong?” and not receiving an answer can get you tired. Cody was beyond patient but there was a limit he could handle when he knew from Noel’s eyes and that something was wrong.

Noel never cheated, he had intrusive thoughts about it that made him feel awful but he never acted on it, they were intrusive thoughts anyway, he had ones about driving off bridges constantly, it never meant something. But why hooking up with random guys like he is doing right now feels like so? 

It's not cheating because they have broken up but mostly it's not cheating because Cody doesn't care and that's what hurts the most. 

He can't lie, every guy he hooks up with just feels like revenge, although he is fighting against no one. They didn't break up on bad terms, Cody was not a dick to him - if he was letting go would have been a lot easier.

And he tries to get over him, every day just goes by like something is missing, he finds people who are interested in him and although the doesn’t feel like he’s ready for another relationship he texts them, because his friends told him to, because his therapist told him to, but never because he wants to.

Dates make him seem like an asshole, he is never really interested, he doesn’t have the time to think something that would feel neither like rejection or flirting. He tries, he laughs along with them, he pays their dinner, he drives them home but he ghosts them the next day, just like a ritual.

It feels a little bit like self-sabotage, feeling like something is missing became normal and now Noel is afraid to get out of his comfort zone. 

It’s scary, to be honest, the entire thing. His whole life Noel always had the mentality that romantic relationships were not that important, he understood why people got sad but not how the low lasted for so long. What a hypocrite, he would have been at the same place as then if he wasn't more miserable than that.

He remembers seeing a post at some point that read something along the lines of “You’ll never love different people the same and that’s ok. Every relationship you’ll learn how to love differently” and he agreed to that but if nothing would ever top what he felt when he was with Cody then what’s the point in trying. It would be as pointless as marriage ceremonies.

And he knows he can’t ask Cody to try again because it’ll not feel the same, it'll never be the same. They were just doing the right thing at the right time, it's not something you can duplicate.

It's useless. He feels like he's Sisyphus, doing the same thing over and over again without having results, he knows it’ll never be enough.

Besides Cody seems better now, it would be selfish to make him go through all this pain again. Yet sometimes he sees Cody laughing just a certain way that he feels for milliseconds that he could be a little bit selfish, as a treat. He still never acts on it.

So he just gets used to it, pretending everything is ok as nobody else will ever understand it. And it is scary because, at a rate similar to the blinking of a faulty street light, he slowly forgets those emotions too, he'll be back to the oblivious state of not knowing this feeling. But it can be good because when he loses this part of himself he will be able to feel whole again and  _ you can't chase that high when the lights have faded _ .

**Author's Note:**

> oof.. it's not much but it's honest work.
> 
> it's been years since i wrote something for real and it's the first time i did it in english but i'm happy with it at the moment DID YOU SEE HOW I USED THE TITLE AT THE END? maybe i'll start hating it in a few days and will delete the whole thing IDK life is unpredictable BUT FOR NOW it's here, my contribution to the tmg fandom
> 
> fun fact: i hate angst without a happy ending but this seems like the only thing i know how to write
> 
> feedback is appreciated. please validate me.


End file.
